Finding Jesus
by KAHNDetective27
Summary: What follows is a Homestuck fanfiction written by Nadia of "Homestuck-is-a-sin" fame. Seeing as how she posts 20 pages worth of new posts every day, I figured that this gem would get buried in the clutter and be lost to the ages. So it is also hosted here. Whether or not I personally agree with Nadia's politics is irrelevant. Enjoy. I do not own Homestuck or Homestuck-is-a-sin.
1. Chapter 1: Fanfic Time

It was a Saturday afternoon. Gamzee was in his room crying. It was true that he had murdered people and possibly made a contract with demons. "I can't take this anymore. It hurts too bad." He says. "I feel an emptyness in my heart, a needle piercing through" He falls to his knees and the tears rolling off his face hits the ground. Suddenly he hears the phone ring.

"Hello?" Gamzee answers.

"Hi yes this is Solfur. I have to ask you something."

"What?" Gamzee says.

"I want to invite you with me and my family to go to church in the morning tomorrow."

Gamzee suddenly smiles. "This sounds like a great idea."

"Great. I will come pick you up around 8." Solfur hangs up.

Gamzee has a huge smile on his face, holding the phone to his chest. Gamzee had always dreamed about going to church and forming a relationship with God. Later, the doorbell rings. Gamzee opens the door to see Karkat and 'Lord' English standing there.

"Hey Gamzee." English smiles. "Solfur invited us to church. He has found Jesus and is very excited for us to share that experience with him" Gamzee rubs the back of his head. "I know, I am very excited. What do you think it will be like?"

"It will be a lot of fun" Karkat says while he chuckles.

English then says "Hey you guys, I have a great idea! How about we get on our knees and pray tonight, and tell God that we are excited to be in his home tomorrow."

"That sounds like a lot of fun" Gamzee says. Then Karkat and English leaves. It is around 10 at night and Gamzee is about to go to sleep. He brushes his teeth and looks out the window, staring at the sky. He smiles, then gets on his knees and begins to pray.

"Lord our heavenly Father, thank you for blessing me. I am excited to become a part of the Christian faith, and do forgive me for I have sinned for all of these years. Amen." Gamzee goes to bed.

* * *

The next morning comes and Gamzee is awake by 6 in the morning. He is very eager. He brushes his teeth, puts on appropiate church clothing, combs his hair and eats breakfast. He suddenly hears the car horn being blared. He dashes outside, almost forgetting to lock his front door. Gamzee gets into the car to see Solfur's dad in the front seat along with Solfur, Karkat and English. Solfur's dad turns up the music, to hear a good song about the lord being played. He snaps his fingers to the music and Solfur sings a long. They finally arrive at church.

Gamzee bolts through the church door and his eyes become very big in amazement. The filled up pews, the staiend glass windows, the bibles in the back of each pew, the pastor, the church going people, and last but not least, GOD.

They all take their seat together. Solfur's dad tells the pastor they have 3 new members of the church, and they are offered a baptism. All three of them gladly accepts and they become baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. "Hallelujah" Gamzee shouts.


	2. Intermission: FIRM Punishment

The following was written by davestriferd

* * *

One lovely spring morning Homestuck-is-a-sin and her husband woke early to go to church. She made a lovely healthy breakfast consisting of eggs, oats, cereal, bacon, orange juice, and muffins.

Home-stuck-is-a-sin went upstairs to wake up precious Karkitty who was asleep in a nice cozy bed. She shook him lightly and smiled, "Wake up my little Karkitty time to go to church."

Karkat opened up his eyes and squinted, "Fuck you." He said and went back to sleep.

Homestuck-is-a-sin tsked loudly, "Now Karkat that is no way to speak." She scolded.

Karkat got up and sighed, walking down stairs and sitting at the table, "Where are my damn muffins?" He said loudly. "I WANT MY DAMN MUFFINS!" Katkat screamed.

Homestuck-is-a-sin shook her head but smiled, "Karkat… No cussing at the table. You have to say your prayers first." She laughed lightly.

Karkat growled and muttered random stuff then said amen.

* * *

It was time to go to church in the Sin family. Karkat sat in the car with Homestuck-is-a-sin and her husband while listening to gospel folk music, "PRAISE THE LORD. PRAISE THE LORD." The radio screamed.

Karkat rubbed his horns in anger and growled, "TURN THAT DAMN FUCK ASS THING OFF." He screamed.

Homestuck-is-a-sin shook her head, "No… You have to let jesus into your heart." She preached.

Karkat screamed again, "I DON'T WANT NO BULLSHIT TO TOUCH ME." He banged on his car seat.

Homestuck-is-a-sin shook her head and rubbed Karkats horns. "Shhhh, let god in…" She said with a smile.

Just then Gamzee mOtHeRfUcKiNg Makara appeared in the car with them, "sUp MotHerFuCkeRs." He said honking his horn.

Homestuck-is-a-sin gave up with trying raising a troll to be proper and let them out of the car. "Go let Jesus take you boys in! Not my job now!" She said then slammed the car door.

Karkat glanced at Gamzee and Gamzee honked his horn. "HoNk."

THE END

it's done HOMESTUCK-IS-A-SIN LOOKIE HERE.

* * *

Nadia replied:

If my child ever talked to me like that, he would get a FIRM punishment such as being grounded for a long time. Also, unless Gamzee had been baptized, I would not allow him in my car.


	3. Intermission 2: Karkat Fucks up Church

The following was also written by davestriferd

* * *

Gamzee and Karkat walked along the road back to the house the trolls were staying at while on Earth.

They arrived and saw all the trolls doing wild stuff.

Karkat banged on the table. "LISTEN UP FUCK TARDS. WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH." He yelled.

Terezi spoke up, "UHMMM WH4T DO3S TH4T T4ST3 L1K3?" She asked turning her head.

Karkat grimaced, "BAD…" he responded.

The trolls all packed into the car and listened to some Justin Bieber…Why? Cause' I motherfucking said they could…

Eridan looks pleased about it….You flaming Homosexual you.

Well, anyway. The trolls got to the church and walked inside looking around and at all the people praying. Eridan grabbed his wand looking around at the strange people.

Sollux whispered to Karkat, "what are they doiing?"He asked, looking at them.

"FROM WHAT I HAVE COLLECTED, THEY'RE PRAYING TO SOMETHING." He said, whispering back.

Terezi looked at a man praying and mumbling, "W31RD…" She said.

Karkat walked up to the priest, "YO FUCK ASS. I'M HERE TO TAKE THINGS OVER." Karkat said with a nod.

The priest gasped in horror, "I…I…okay…" He said, walking out slowly, "Just…don't hurt me."

The priest ran out of the church and everyone looked up from praying, Karkat stood on the stand, "I AM HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT…STUFF. LISTEN THE FUCK UP." He yelled, looking around. Everyone gasped and homestuck-is-a-sin turned pale.

"DEMONS!" Someone screamed from the back.

Eridan confronted them, "I am no demon. I am a wwizard." He hissed, pointing the wand at the person.

Terezi ran up to a kid licking their face, "BL3GH. T4ST3S L1K3 K1D." She said wiping her tongue off. The kid stared in horror.

Tavros wheeled around and hit people with his horns.

Homestuck-is-a-sin stood up, "CHILDREN OF GOD CALM DOWN!"

Just then Terezi came up and licked her, "T4ST3S L1K3…CR4ZY." She said.

Basically the trolls fucked shit up in church let me get to the good part.

Karkat and Gamzee stood in front of Home-stuck-is-a-sin . "I am so disappointed in you guys." She said shaking her head.

Karkat looked up at her, "YO. FUCK ASS MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO UPTIGHT." Karkat yelled.

Home-stuck-is-a-sin put a hand on Kakat's horn to calm him down. J

ust then Karkat slapped her hand and screamed, "YOU DON'T TOUCH ANOTHER TROLLS HORNS UNLESS YOU'RE IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM, FUCKER." He yelled.

Terezi came up and laughed, "H3H3H3, 1'LL DO 1T…" She said.

Karkat tried to push her away, "NO. TEREZI N-…oh holy fuck…" He said as she rubbed the base of his horn.

Gamzee shrugged, "hOnK."

THE END


	4. Intermission 3: I Think Nadia's Done

Seeing as how the intermission is longer than the story itself, I have a feeling that Nadia is not going to post a second chapter.

But davestriferd has graced us with another thrilling chapter.

* * *

The church was destroyed inside and out; people were screaming and running for their lives. Terezi was chasing after the old people trying to like their pruneish skin while Eridan turned people into fish.

Really Eridan? Fish? Whatever…

Karkat screamed at people to calm the fuck down. Whatever blah blah.

Kankri walked in grabbing KarKat "Karkat! Calm d9wn!" He yelled picking him up.

Dave and John showed up to church ready to start their gay day and saw all the trolls.

"Should we just go back home and have sex?" John asked Dave.

"Way ahead of you." Said Dave walking out as John followed.

Terezi stopped in front of Gamzee of was sipping faygo while watching, "WHY 4R3N'T YOU DO1NG 4NYTH1NG? D3STROY CHURCH W1TH US!" She said as Gamzee started at her.

"I tHiNk YaLl MuThA fUcKeRs NeEd tO cAlM dOwN:o)" he said calmly.

Terezi frowned, "W4NN4 F1GHT 4BOUT 1T?" She yelled at him. Well basically they started fighting; let's see what Nepeta is up too.

Nepeta clawed at one of the church cats ":33 MY HAT KITTY, IT'S MINE *HISSSS* MINE!" She yelled. A real cat fight was going on, ha-ha get it?

Anyway Gamzee and Terezi started hate honking in the corner, "HONK. HONK. HONK. HONK. HONK." Is all you heard in the corner… Things look steamy over there.

Vriska hopped onto Jesus and tried to ride him, "FLY LORD, FLY!" She yelled.

Meanwhile Homestuck-is-a-sin was crying in the corner because this is not how she expected church today to go down at all. Trolls' going to church is not a good idea.

Suddenly everyone got quiet for their lord and saviour Andrew Hussie came down in a harness, "MY CHILDREN," He yelled out to the crowd, "BIBLE FIGHT!" He screamed throwing a bible at an old lady. The lady fell.

Everyone including Hussie started throwing bibles while still, Terezi and Gamzee were in the corner hate honking.

Karkat was hit in the face and started screaming like a little girl and Tavros laughed. Little kids were running around screaming pelting Andrew Hussie with bibles. Hussie fell to the ground covered in bibles.

Dirk popped out of a coffin in the back dressed like a smuppet. He threw smuppets mixed in with the bibles and this is all one crazy mess wow.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow dash ran threw a portal, "Uhhh…Wrong dimension Twilight." Said rainbow dash staring at these…trolls and people fighting with puppets and books. Twilight Sparkle and rainbow dash went back into the portal.

Caliope was yelling at people to calm down while caliborn was in the bible fight hitting people with large bibles.

Finally, Feferi screamed for them all to be quiet and stop fighting. "I am sick and tired of seeing you people fight! It's so not glubbing cool!" She said.

Gamzee and Terezi went harder at the Hate Honking while Hussie had a wedgie and hanging from the ceiling with a smuppet nose sticking out of his zipper hole. Dirk was asleep on the ground and everyone was still fighting.

Gamzee gave one last giant "HoNk"

THE END.


End file.
